Monday, July 9, 2007

Top 10 Stories You Wont Hear Next Year - Blazers/NBA

10-That’s not powdered sugar on that Duncan doughnut
Former MVP Tim Duncan’s off-court troubles keep mounting. The once silent star has turned into basketball’s latest bad boy. Starting with the tattoos, Duncan’s season has turned into a downward spiral. Pulling a page out of Charles Barkley’s book—“I am not a role model”—Duncan (above-picture from has a rap sheet longer than his on-court accomplishments. Starting with a pair of DUIs, the Spur forward’s latest antics outside a San Antonio strip club have him in hot water once again. A Texas state trouper found marijuana and cocaine in his gym bag, which Duncan claims he had never seen before. “I think that’s my cousin’s friend’s stuff.”

9-Having fun as a Sun
Poor Grant Hill was about due. For the first time in years, the former Duke star is having a second wind. Hill has yet to miss a game, failing to twist, turn, roll, or tear any body part. “I use to think I had the worst luck in the world,” Hill said. “But being in Phoenix, especially where I am a big contributor and not just gravy-training myself to a championship, it just feels great!”

8-Point guard from another planet
It was just a matter of time until the evidence was discovered. After a thrilling 87-84 win over the Houston Rockets at the Staples Center, Clipper fans filed out and went home. Little Kenny Littleton, however, staked outside the players entrance, hoping to catch his favorite Clippers before they went home. Littleton, along with his father, noticed a star coming closer and closer and closer. It was Dan Aykroyd’s dream come true. A flying saucer landing in front of him, and out of the arena walked L.A. point guard Sam Cassell (above- picture from to board the ship and head out. When reached for questioning, the veteran condescendingly commented, “It took you earthlings this long to find out? I mean c’mon, look at me!”

7-Miles wins 3-point contest
To think, most Blazer fans thought that last season Miles was simply focused on taking it easy on the bench and laughing as he collected each and every check. The season off has done wonders for the Trail Blazer, who recently starred in a movie where he WASN’T a high school basketball player. Miles (right- picture from is now the owner of one of the most lethal outside shots in the NBA, and in the All-Star weekend he won the 3-point contest running away. The Blazer forward, who GM Kevin Pritchard described as “just an overall good guy,” has been the perfect compliment to Portland posts Greg Oden and LaMarcus Aldridge. In the process, he has managed to put guards Brandon Roy and Martell Webster under his wing, showing them the ropes of being a true professional. “I think I would make a pretty gosh darn good coach,” Miles said last Thursday.

6-The Simple Life of “Big Baby”
The questions about Glen “Big Baby” Davis’ weight, along with his waistline, have disappeared. Entering the year a heavy-set 295 pounds, the Boston Celtic rookie chose a different diet path than the traditional NBA workout program. The power forward, weeks before training camp, befriended famous skinnies Nichole Richie and Paris Hilton. The trio has gelled beautifully, trading stories of being really rich and good looking. Richie, along with friend Lindsay Lohan, gave their newest friend what they liked to call their “white magic diet powder.” Davis, now with a 6’ 9” 135 pound frame has no trouble getting up and down the court, which he credits to “the best two friends in the world.”

5-Milwauk-Yi takes Wisconsin by storm
It is amazing, looking back before the year, that Yi Jianlian actually was skeptical about heading to the Milwaukee Bucks. “At, ah, first, I am not sure,” he said. Thankfully, Yi has embraced Wisconsin, which has paid him back with their loyalty. Yi-Mania, as they are calling it, has swept over Wisconsin, putting the forward into Brett Farve-status. The state once known for their Cheeseheads, have turned their attentions to a different kind of headwear. Last month the Bucks had Conical Hat Night, when the 20,000 in attendance represented the Asian culture by wearing the distinctive hats. “We just figured that since we couldn’t bring more Asian Americans to Milwaukee, we’d just create our own little Asian culture,” said Bucks PR guy.

4-Carlesimo leads Sonic Boom
Turns out that Kevin Durant wasn’t the most important acquisition for the Seattle Sonics in the offseason. Head coach P.J. Carlesimo, who no doubt was cheated out of Coach of the Year honors in his days in Portland simply because he coached a West Coast team, has taken advantage of his clean slate in the Emerald City. Now a dedicated enthusiast of the study of Zen, Carlesimo has led team to the Western Conference Finals with long-time friend playing the shooting guard. The Sonics are reaping the benefits of signing All-Star Latrell Spreewell. “There are times where I absolutely love the guy,” Spreewell said of his head coach, but laughs that “there are other times where I just want to choke him.”

3-Jordan comeback, Part III
His airness has come back to the city that has worshipped the ground he walked on. After witnessing the Bulls run off a ten-game winning streak to improve their NBA best record to 35-8, Jordan made the decision to give basketball one more try….again. He quickly bought part of the Bulls, named himself general manager of the Windy City crew, before eventually dusting off the ol’ 23. The former MVP took some heat for the quick trades he made, despite the Bulls’ hot play. Jordan, who needed room at the 2 spot for himself, packaged Ben Gordon and Andres Nocioni to the Wizards for a first-round and second-round pick in the 2008 draft. Quickly releasing Ben Wallace, whom he claimed was “washed up,” Jordan convinced former Bull Bill Cartwright to come back to play center. “Those three were just ready to contribute to an NBA Playoff race,” the Comeback Kid said.

2-Fans not A-ok without Stephan A.
Popular ESPN analyst Stephan A. Smith (right- picture from, who broke his jaw in a car accident last month, had to have his famous mouth wired shut. Fans are in mourning for the loss of the beloved voice. Jim Daughtry, an avid Hornets fan, says “Personally, I do not know what to make of the trade New Orleans just made. How am I suppose to make up my mind without Stephan A. Smith yelling at me what I should think?” Smith, who carries a notepad to communicate, wrote (in all caps) a quick note to all his supporters. “FOR ALL OF YOU S.A.S. FANS OUT THERE!!! IT IS AL-RIGHT! PLEASE DO NOT WORRY! I WILL BE BACK AS SOON AS THIS ASTRONOMICAL, ATROCIOUS INJURY HE-ALS UP!!! JUST BE PATIENT!!! BECAUSE IT’S THE SENS-ABLE THING TO DO!!!!”

1-Randolph has clean up his act

At the top of the Eastern Conference is the New York Knicks, and for one reason: the resurgence of power forward Zach Randolph. The baby-faced Z-Bo has been scene around the streets of New York picking up trash, helping old ladies cross the street, and helping out at the local homeless shelter. “You know, Zach is just a high-class character,” said GM and coach Isaiah Thomas. The former Piston point guard stole Randolph from the Blazers this past summer. “He is just so supportive and is always guiding us in the right direction,” commented teammate David Lee. Randolph has credited the fantastic season (25.4 points/11.2 rebounds/8.3 assists per game) with an extremely discipline work ethic. “I go to bed at 10 o’clock, no exceptions,” the smiling Randolph (above- picture from said. Z-Bo has come into New York, the city that never sleeps, and cleaned up his act and is now the leader behind one of the best teams in basketball.

Story by Jesse Severson

1 comment:

Kirby said...

Thats Great...Bill Cartwright...LMAO